Sitting on the sofa this evening with Bettina (‘B’) we are reading the lovely comments that our Facebook friends have made under the picture I posted earlier this morning:

  • “Bettina looks so confident.”
  • “She’s amazing”
  • “I just think you’re so amazing.”
  • “Aw Bettina that’s a lovely picture.”

I can see from her smile and her body language that these compliments mean everything to her.

From the moment Bettina and her big sister came into our lives, it was always part of our plan to ensure our daughters had high self-esteem (& self-worth). We wanted our girls to be super strong, confident, and content. Our work started the moment they were born.

However, supporting Bettina with her self-esteem was going to be more of a challenge! Within her first 18 months we knew she was coping with a learning disability, severe autism, and a complex communication disorder. The plan was not going to change though!

Twenty five years ago I became a Registered Care Manager for a house in mid Essex and a hostel in north Essex (UK), supporting adults with a learning disability. There were many things I wanted to achieve for the people I was going to support, one of which included elevating their self-esteem. I had lots of ideas about how I was going to achieve this – thanks to the lessons we had learned from Bettina.

So, what is self-esteem? It is how we value and perceive ourselves. It is based on our opinions and beliefs about ourselves. We might also think of this as being self-confident. People with healthy self-esteem, like Bettina value their achievements.

Related:  Being Bettina’s Dad: Bettina’s lessons in confidence – Leadership in the Raw

How do we build Bettina’s self-esteem?

  • Repeatedly saying positive things to Bettina so she would say them back to herself. (We often hear Bettina repeating what we have said to her when ‘B’ is in her bedroom in the evening).
  • Asking about her day. Bettina delights in telling me she found five snails at the garden centre where she does voluntary work.
  • I make a point of telling her how proud I am, when she pins on her work name badge. B’s immediate response “Daddy very proud of me.” 
  • We celebrate her successes with her. No matter how small they may seem. This could be completing a chore such as drying the dishes, tidying her room, and making her bed, and filling my lunch bag the night before I go to work (something I have never asked B to do).
  • ‘Look Smart – Feel Smart’ Bettina is always super turned out and has her own style and takes pride in her appearance.
  • Developing a circle of support (network) around her. Bettina’s network has changed over time, but they are always her cheerleaders e.g. her family, her PA, teachers & teaching assistants, the people where she regularly shops and eats.
  • Focusing on positive relationships with people who are significant in her life. (It might feel difficult to control who you spend time with. But where possible, it can help to spend more time with people who make you feel good about yourself).
  • We support Bettina to practice mindfulness: Being Bettina’s Dad: Bettina transforming my life with mindfulness – Leadership in the Raw

How can you build your personal self-esteem?

(Please remember that different things work for different people (at contrasting times). Only try what you feel comfortable with.

  • Challenge unkind thoughts about yourself. You might automatically put yourself down. If you find yourself doing this, it can help to ask: Would I talk to a friend in this way?
  • Avoid comparing yourself to others (it is the thief of joy).
  • Accept compliments. You could save them up to look over when you are feeling low or doubting yourself. (why not call it a ‘Joy Folder’?)
  • Look after yourself:  Think about your diet. Eating regularly and keeping your blood sugar stable can be effective to your mood and energy levels.
  • Look after yourself:  Try to do physical activity. Being active can help your mental wellbeing. This may include helping to improve your self-esteem.
  • Look after yourself:  Try to get enough sleep. Getting too little or too much sleep can have a negative impact on how you feel.
  • Ask for help if you need it!

Benefits of a high self-esteem. You:

  • are realistic in expectations.
  • are not overcritical of yourself or others.
  • are more resilient, feeling able to bounce back from setbacks.
  • feel better able to endure stress.
  • like and value yourself as a person
  • can make decisions and assert yourself.
  • recognise your strengths.
  • feel able to try new or difficult things.
  • show kindness towards yourself.
  • move past mistakes without blaming yourself unfairly.
  • take the time you need for yourself.
  • believe you matter and are good enough.
  • believe you deserve happiness.

‘High self-esteem comes from feeling like you have control over events,

not that events have control over you.’

Tony Robbins

Visiting Frinton with Bettina over the last 30 years, has been a good reference point for tracking Bettina’s progress in all aspects of her life: her communication skills, engagement with her community and her self-esteem.

Bewildered by her surroundings, the only way we could move around was by ‘B’ sitting on my shoulder, fast forward to last weekend, confidently walking into ‘Pop-Ins’ choosing, then ordering a hot chocolate & cake before proceeding to sit on her favourite stool by the window – go Bettina.

Bettina safely perched on my shoulder in the early 1990s

Bettina rocking ‘Pop-Pins a 50s/60s themed Coffee Bar in Frinton-on-Sea

Related:  Being Bettina’s Dad – Community Engagement & what it has meant for Bettina. – Leadership in the Raw

This post’s aim is to motivate, inspire, and uplift you. Hopefully, I have included ‘take-aways’ that may help you and support someone significant in your life with their self-esteem too?

Source:  Steve Raw www.leadershipintheraw.org