Have you ever walked out of a meeting with an unspoken idea still lingering in your mind? Or held back feedback that could have changed the course of a project? Silence isn’t just the absence of words—it’s a missed opportunity to contribute, connect, and create impact. 

Maybe at home, you’ve disagreed with a family decision or felt hurt or sidelined but chose not to speak up, fearing you’d upset a loved one or disrupt the peace. 

For many of us, staying silent isn’t a conscious choice—it’s a habit. It’s shaped by workplace culture, family norms, past experiences, or fear of conflict. But what if unlearning silence was the key to stronger leadership, better decisions, and more authentic relationships? 

In her book Unlearning Silence, Elaine Lin Hering challenges us to examine when and why we hold back—and how we can reclaim our voices. 

Why Is Speaking Up So Hard?

It’s not as simple as just ‘speaking up’. For many, that idea feels unnatural, as if confidence should come easily when challenging others. But think back to your earliest days at school or home. Were you praised for keeping the peace? Encouraged to go along with things to avoid conflict? Told to stop asking so many questions? 

Over time, these experiences teach us that our voice doesn’t matter—or that keeping the group happy is more important than expressing our views. The longer we stay silent, the harder it becomes to break the habit. 

We see this in workplace “corridor talk”—where employees discuss their frustrations privately instead of raising concerns in meetings. Speaking up in the moment feels risky. What if it damages our reputation, workplace relationships, or even our job security? 

How to Unmute Yourself

If this sounds familiar, there are ways to start using your voice. 

1. Recognize when you stay silent. Ask yourself: Why did I hold back? Was it habit, fear of conflict, lack of confidence, or past experience? 

2. Consider the cost of silence. How does it impact your relationships, work environment, or even your happiness? Repeatedly withholding your voice can hinder collaboration, prevent real connection, and stall important conversations. 

3. Start small. If speaking up feels intimidating, begin in low-risk situations. At home, voice a preference for a movie or a dinner spot. At work, suggest a lunch location or offer a minor piece of input in a meeting. 

4. Observe and learn. Notice who speaks up in your workplace and how they do it. What strategies can you adopt or refine? 

5. If you’re a leader, foster a culture of openness. Praise those who share their perspectives and encourage quieter team members to contribute. Pay attention to the way you ask for input—questions like, “What do you think?” can be too open and might deter different views. Instead, try: “What works or doesn’t work about this idea?”, “What concerns do you have?”, or “What have I missed?”.

A Choice, Not a Habit

Over time, speaking up—and encouraging others to do the same—will start to feel more natural. Of course, there will be moments when choosing silence is the right decision. But the key difference is that it will be a choice, not just an automatic habit. 

And when you do speak up, acknowledge your progress. Stepping out of your comfort zone isn’t easy. Surround yourself with people who support your voice and reflect on any positives that have come about from the fact that you spoke up.  Because the conversations we avoid today might be the ones we need the most. 

Rebecca Alexander
Executive Coach rebecca@coaching-studio.co.uk