‘Being Bettina’s Dad – We can work it out.’

Bettina works out how to use my laptop.

‘We can work it out.’

Think of what you’re saying.

You can get it wrong and still you think that it’s alright.

Think of what I’m saying.

(Lennon & McCartney)

Bettina (‘B’) is looking intently at my face as I crawl backwards into a cave that is more like a pothole. We are in Wales enjoying an outdoor pursuits holiday at the turn of the century. Bettina’s verbal communication and understanding is progressing, but it is still extremely limited.

Several years before Bettina had said her first words, she had developed her own systems for working things out. I could tell from her facial expression she was doing this now. Is this safe for me? Am I going to be able to do this? Does Dad know what he is doing (he must do, because he is smiling and the sound of his voice is both confident and soothing).

I have always been fascinated by how Bettina works things out. The systems and processes she has created for herself. The purpose of the ‘Being Bettina’s Dad’ series has always been to share the lessons I have learned from ‘B’ and hopefully they will also help you and the people you support.

Bettina’s early years.

Bettina’s early years could, at best, be described as having a mind-set completely in turmoil. For us as a family, we felt that she did not understand her world and it was as if she had just arrived from another planet and was coming to terms with her new alien world. Whilst coming to terms and supporting Bettina was something we could manage, as we love her unconditionally and she is our beautiful girl, for Bettina it was clear to see she was in a complete ‘daze’ and her nights were often sleepless (screaming and banging her head against her bedroom wall most nights – fortunately we had very understanding neighbours!) and her days spent biting her hand and often others.

Bettina has come along way since then and has been described as having an “aura of self-confidence.”

Six ways Bettina works things out.

Through observation, Bettina learns best by watching a demonstration rather than receiving verbal instructions.
Active listening. Even when we think she is not listening, we have learned she never misses a beat.
By being tenacious. Bettina is incredibly determined and will work hard and long to meet her objective – completing a difficult jigsaw comes to mind. (if there is a missing piece then she calls on her family to come to her rescue as was the case recently)
Tackles everything with enthusiasm. One of Bettina’s many gifts is that she is very enthusiastic about all that life offers her. This is a key to working things out.
Thrives on new experiences and responds to the challenges these offer.
Bettina concentrates on what is happening in the background rather than the foreground (not looking at your face as most of us do, Bettina is looking at her surroundings for clues)

Six tips on how to support someone work things out.

During my career supporting people with a learning disability, I had the opportunity to use some of the lessons I learned from Bettina (especially when I worked in care homes and through ‘community support’).

Recognising each person as an individual – it is too easy to assume what works for one person, works for another just because of a label e.g. learning disability, autism.
Understanding how they see their world (it is probably different from you do) – this was a key lesson for Bettina’s parents in her early years as what we focus on is completely different to what Bettina does. Being empathetic, it was and is key to seeing life through her eyes.
Patience. Over the years Bettina has developed an inner calm and a capacity to accept and/or tolerate delay, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious. A coping mechanism that helps her make sense of a world that constantly changes and throws unexpected drama and disruption into her structured life.

“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.”

A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh.

Space. Do not ‘sit on their shoulder’ as they try to work things out. You would not like it. For Bettina we could be in the next room, B is reassured that we are on hand should she need us. (we come zooming in when she say’s “help me” she gets progressively louder until we arrive!).
Encouragement not waiting until the task is completed but offering encouraging words and sounds periodically.
Remembers previous Lessons learned. What worked, did not and could be improved on as you customise your support.

Related:

Being Bettina’s parents – The importance of a plan

Being Bettina’s Dad – Getting Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable

Bettina is working it out.

2022 is the year our wall came tumbling down (courtesy of Storm Eunice). The pictures start with our wall demolished by the storm. Bettina’s beady eye on the bricklayers repairing our wall throughout the build. The supervisor said, “Not to worry if the wall fell down again, she will soon have it backup.”