Having waited patiently for her Hot Chocolate, Bettina (aka ‘B’) grabs the wafer biscuits she was supposed to share with her mum (Joyce). ‘B’ laughs at Joyce’s expression; she knows what she is doing, and she knows she will happily share but for now she is going to tease her mum because she can. Bettina’s parents and her big sister, Jennifer, could have only ever dreamed about this engagement in 1992.

Bettina enjoying her mum’s reaction in Costa.

Flashback to 1992, we are on annual leave staying at my parents’ home. They have just wall papered the guest bedroom, where we will sleep.  Bettina is at the height of her severe autism and learning disability and spotted a small corner of the paper which has not pasted down. We wake up to find Bettina has pulled down a complete strip of wallpaper. We should have expected this as she had recently unravelled a large section of her bedroom carpet and left the taps running in the bathroom – flooding the landing. In a strange way we thought this was progress for Bettina when we compared these experiences with her first two years. ‘B’ was obviously trying to communicate something; we would just have to figure out what that was (this would be our progress journey).

Related:  Being Bettina’s Dad and being married to Bettina’s Whisperer – Leadership in the Raw

This article was going to be about how Bettina ‘contributes’ and takes ‘responsibility’ within her family and life in general. Then I read a piece on LinkedIn by Damian Piper CBE, and I thought this is Bettina.

An extract from Damian’s LinkedIn post: ‘let’s talk progress.’

“…………. Here is the thing: progress does not demand perfection. There’s still time to take a step, even if it is smaller than we originally imagined. Sometimes, we need to recalibrate our expectations and focus on what can be achieved rather than what we hoped to do.”

“The week is not over yet. Let us finish it with intention, no matter how imperfect the progress might feel.” 

damian@effectivechallenge.com  | www.linkedin.com/in/damian-piper

When Joyce and I sat around the dinner table discussing our aspirations for Bettina we were always going to look for progress, not perfection, for Bettina. It mattered not how small that progress would be, we were and are in it for the long haul.

What has progress meant for Bettina?

  • From being non-verbal until the age of 10 years old, to having a limited vocabulary which she can use to communicate her needs with profound effect.
  • Being able to cope with affection. We are a loving family so it was extremely hard for her parents and sister when we could see a hug caused her discomfort and pain. Then to progressing to a point where she welcomes this attention (on her terms).
  • Not being able to tell us how she feels. This was our greatest concern and sadness. Bettina is now able to tell us she is “so happy” and it “hurts” when she has a headache and sometimes she can warn us that she is about to have a (epileptic) seizure.
  • Locked in her own world, where we believed she was not truly aware of those around her, to feeling empathy, sensing if we are worried or upset about a situation.
  • Learning to read, which has continued to open her world, reading is something Bettina is constantly looking to progress, from her weekly visits to our local library to spending time in her bedroom in the evening reading the numerous books she has accumulated.
  • To being an integral part of her family instead of a person who just needs to be cared for. Week on week, month on month and year on year Bettina makes a ‘contribution’ to family life within our household. Bettina takes ‘responsibility’ for tasks and chores which nobody has asked her to do.

What have I learned from Bettina’s progress?

  • To manage my expectations. Just because they are my expectations it does not necessarily mean they are shared by Bettina.

Related: https://leadershipintheraw.org/2023/05/04/being-bettinas-dad-managing-my-expectations/

  • To be patient. Have a vision of where you want to get to but know it will take time and not to be surprised when you do not get it right first time.

Related:  https://leadershipintheraw.org/2021/02/16/being-bettinas-dad-patience-is-a-leadership-virtue/

  • To be optimistic about your progress. In our hearts and minds we are always optimistic for Bettina. Related:    https://leadershipintheraw.org/2017/04/04/being-bettinas-mum-dad-ogres-of-optimism/
  • To reflect and remember how it was. We are often too quick to move on to the next challenge and opportunity. Or we can feel down about a setback or a perceived failure. I have found remembering how it was for Bettina in her early years gives me perspective and a feeling of gratitude.
  • The compound effect, a little progress each day (and/or week) can add up to something big and special.
  • Celebrate successes together. Progress is rarely achieved on your own, so celebrate together with those who have supported you.

Five tips to make Progress:

  1. Think Big. Be Ambitious and Back Yourself.
  2. Defining what aspects of your life and work you wish to progress.
  3. Progress should be personal to you. You are the best person to judge what progress has been achieved when it comes to your success criteria.
  4. Set Goals. Related:  Setting: Goals – Objectives – Commitments – Leadership in the Raw
  5. Progress often involves changes to your routines, goals, and plans. So be flexible. 

Summary

My favourite coaching question is: ‘If I was to meet up with you this time next year, what would make you feel satisfied with your progress?’  Often, we define success on meeting a goal or objective, then feel we have in some way failed if we have not arrived at our destination. Progress for Bettina and me means we have onward movement towards a destination. As Joyce says: we are both a work in progress.

Acknowledgements:

My thanks to Damian Piper CBE damian@effectivechallenge.com   | www.linkedin.com/in/damian-piper for your support and allowing me to use your ‘progress’ message.

My thanks to Bettina for allowing us to be part of your exciting journey – you rock your parents and sister’s world.

Source:  Steve Raw www.leadershipintheraw.org